Needless to say, I get that question ALL THE TIME. Some, especially my sisters, would demand a girl. It's as if it is all in my power to make sure that only the right sperm marry my egg. Or maybe it is, I know there are some techniques for that.

Anyway, I used to always answer, 'Pag nagka-bahay na kami' ('Once we get our own house'). Then I'd go and explain how we want to have a stable environment for our kid/s first. Due to the exponential increase in rent here in Singapore, we have been moving houses almost every year in search of low rental from a mentally-stable landlord (if that is not too much to ask).

Now that Ronald and I foresee that we may not be able to buy a house anytime soon, he convinced me to have a baby next year. I agreed not only because Ice wants a sibling but also because he NEEDS one.

And so, my answer to the question has become more realistic and time-bound: 'Next year', not realizing that there's only a week left to next year. Every time I answer that, my mind asks myself back, 'Really?', like I also can't believe what I just said.

Because the truth is, I am not yet ready to have another baby.

I feel like I am failing as a mother in more ways than one. And only until I figure out how to be a good mom will I then be, I think, worthy of another angel.