Kelan nyo susundan si Ice?
JuLiE
Needless to say, I get that question ALL THE TIME. Some, especially my sisters, would demand a girl. It's as if it is all in my power to make sure that only the right sperm marry my egg. Or maybe it is, I know there are some techniques for that.

Anyway, I used to always answer, 'Pag nagka-bahay na kami' ('Once we get our own house'). Then I'd go and explain how we want to have a stable environment for our kid/s first. Due to the exponential increase in rent here in Singapore, we have been moving houses almost every year in search of low rental from a mentally-stable landlord (if that is not too much to ask).

Now that Ronald and I foresee that we may not be able to buy a house anytime soon, he convinced me to have a baby next year. I agreed not only because Ice wants a sibling but also because he NEEDS one.

And so, my answer to the question has become more realistic and time-bound: 'Next year', not realizing that there's only a week left to next year. Every time I answer that, my mind asks myself back, 'Really?', like I also can't believe what I just said.

Because the truth is, I am not yet ready to have another baby.

I feel like I am failing as a mother in more ways than one. And only until I figure out how to be a good mom will I then be, I think, worthy of another angel.
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Letting Go
JuLiE
I called up my sister to check out on her. She was apparently on her way to her friend's funeral service. Yes a funeral. Her friend died in a tragic car accident. Too soon. Much too soon for anyone who loves her to bear.

The news came as a shock to my sister. We even knew about it before she did because her phone was dead when her friends were trying to contact her. She heard about it after six hours. Guess from where. Yes, from the ever reliable source of whatever news or chismis or new vocabulary (major major) and whatsos. Facebook.

She said that only after being in a state of shock for 5 hours then she started to cry.

And so I called her up last night to see how she was. Her voice sounded like she has been crying. She told me how tears would just start to fall when she remembers her. And how her voice is so vivid in her mind it's as if she was just there beside her. She still can't believe that she will never see her again, will never be with her again. She hated when people tell her that it's gonna be okay because it's not okay. And that only them who are mourning for Melody can truly understand the pain they are going through.

I felt very sad for my sister but I know that mourning is a part of the process. The process of letting go. But who am I to know? I have never really lost anyone very dear to me and it truly scares me to even think about it.

Life is short. Let's hug our loved ones today. Before we are forced to let go.

(posted in FB on Aug 26, 2010)
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Ice Learns About Hell
JuLiE
One of the challenges of being a parent is having the right answers to never-ending questions. Answers to questions that you have not even thought about before like 'Mommy, how many moons are there in Mars? or 'Mommy, what do these or those animals eat?'. Or to questions that are so apparent that you didn't even bother thinking about like 'Mommy, why do we fart?'. Or to questions that are so innocent that you end up laughing until the small kid gets angry because he feels that you were not taking him seriously. 'Mommy, can we buy a baby from the baby shop now?' or 'Mommy, if you eat a lot will a baby grow inside your tummy?'.

Just now Ice was about to throw a tantrum when we rejected his request for another Xbox game (it's a school day and he promised to play only one game). He bravely blackmailed us that he'll jump off the building to die if we don't let him play. (Okay, having to negotiate with a kid who knows that he's the most important thing to you is a different challenge all together). We asked him if he knows what's gonna happen if he jumps off the building. He said that he knows that he'll die. Then I started explaining that he won't die just yet but he'll be in extreme pain (i.e. broken bones, big wounds, bruises etc). It was starting to work when I saw the scared look in his eyes. But then Ronald didn't want him to dwell on the thought of dying and so he explained to him that killing oneself is a sin and will make him end up in hell. And there went the long explanation of what is heaven and what is hell.

After that we had dinner and Ice was watching cartoons while eating. He was asking something about fishing (the guy in the cartoon was fishing), which I half listened to coz Ronald was also talking to me at the same time. It only registered to me what he was saying when I heard him ask, 'So will I go to heaven or hell?'. It turned out that he was asking whether he'll go to heaven or hell if ever he goes fishing and the fish was too heavy that instead of catching the fish he ends up in the water and drown. After a minute he then asked whether he'll go to heaven or hell if some very bad guys kill him instead of him killing himself. He was trying to learn all the technicalities of what will make him go to hell so he'll know what he should or should not and can or cannot do.

Having a kid with a mind of a lawyer just adds up to the challenge. You should never go wrong in what you say as anything can be used against you. :)

(posted in FB on Oct 13, 2010)
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Traditions
JuLiE
When i was still back home, my dad would usually wait up on me (or any of my siblings) everytime I (or we) come home late. His first question would be 'Are you hungry?'. I always am hungry so obviously my answer would be a yes. In just a few minutes he'd then be able to cook something with whatever he has in his kitchen. He'd then stay with me just so I won't be alone while I eat. So while the city sleeps, we'd be up eating and chatting for hours about anything under the moon.

I miss that. :)

But come to think of it, I should be blaming my dad for my huge appetite and unreasonable hunger pangs!

(posted in FB on Jul 7, 2010)
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Alone. Lonely.
JuLiE
It sucks to feel so alone especially when you're not.
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On My Earlier Post
JuLiE
No it's not about me, obviously. And it wasn't copied or borrowed. =)
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The Dress
JuLiE
I look myself in the mirror. For the first time I notice that I have aged in two years more than I had in a decade. I don't like what I see. Wrinkles on my forehead, several strands of white hair, dark circles under my eyes. What used to be my long, smooth and flowing hair is now dry with split ends.



I walked into the University campus on the first day of the semester. Though I was generally confident, I was feeling anxious that day. I didn't know what to expect, I was lost and I was late! First in the schedule was Freshmen Orientation at the auditorium. Where the hell is the auditorium? I looked at the map on my hand. Great! Now it is obvious that I'm a bimbo who can't figure out my way. I rushed to where I thought the auditorium was when out of nowhere, somebody bumped into me. Hard. My books flew all over the place and worse was, my cellphone hit the ground and split into three. I was so shocked that I couldn't even think of any curse words to say. 'I'm so sorry! I am rushing, I'll get back to you and pay for the cellphone repair.", the guy said then he rushed off. I was left there almost in tears. Mostly because of anger.



I tied my hair high in a ponytail in an attempt to hide what has been damaged. Fact is, all I want to hide is what I feel. What I still feel after two long years. Damn it! My hair is still horrible. I removed the black plain ponytail holder and rigorously applied hair moisturizer that I almost pulled out all of my hair. Let me at least hide my damaged hair for I know that I cannot hide anything else. My eyes show it all. The sadness, the emptiness and the dejection that I feel.



He found me. Surprising but he did find me. He was tall with broad shoulders and a smile worthy of a tootpaste commercial. He was three years my senior. I should be hating him for what he did. But I doubt that even the most unfeeling girl can resist his charms. He accompanied me to the cellphone repair shop nearby. Then we had lunch, though it was not in the agenda.



I look at my eyes. What used to be vibrant are now very dull. It used to be one of my best features. Light brown and chinky but not so. Most of all it was full of life. It used to emanate ideas and witty comebacks. Now it only emanate pain and loneliness. And  I can't believe that the dark circles can actually be darker that I can't decide whether I look like a druggie or a panda. Now where is that mac concealer that I had?



"I got it! I got the job!", he excitedly screamed as he barged into my apartment. He rushed to me and hugged me tight. I was super happy for him. It was his first job and he was blessed enough to get what he has always dreamed of. On the first try. We jumped around for joy, fingers intertwined, then collapsed in bed side by side. "This is a good start. For us.", he said smiling.



The concealer at least hid the dark circles. Then I check my eyebrows. I used to make sure that my eyebrows are well-shaped. Now they are just bushy. I searched for my tweezers in my drawer then started to pluck my eyebrows. Tears started to roll down my face.





On my graduation party, he pulled me over and placed something in my hand. "It's my graudation gift", he grinned. It was a key. "Will you move in with me?", he asked. He invested on a condo unit just recently. It was still under renovation. "Yes.", I answered him without any hesitations.



After a moment I curled down on my bed sobbing until I cannot breath anymore. I can't help it. I hate myself for being weak. For crying over every memory that pops into my head. I hate this but I can't help it. Because after two years, the pain is still as fresh as though the betrayal only happened yesterday. I was crushed down to my core and I can't seem to get back up. No matter how hard I try.



My sister was in second year College that semester and has transferred to one of the Universities in Manila. She didn't have a place to stay yet. "Can she stay with us for a few weeks until she finds a place of her own?", I asked him. "Oh you mean Claire? Yah, of course! I consider your family as my family.", he answered smiling. Then what should have been weeks dragged on to months.



I look at the clock. I have an hour to get ready. It is my sister's son's first birthday and I need to be there. After two years of isolation, I am going to show up. I have to. I dragged myself to my toilet to wash up.



There is a point in a relationship when you just feel ready to take things to the next level. When the present is not enough and you just can't help but look forward to the future. To kids running around the house. To sending them to school every morning To family trips every weekends. To forever. I was feeling this for quite some time already and I was sure that he also did. So I was certain that it was it when he asked me for dinner at a fancy restaurant on our anniversary. I wore my new black above the knee, pencil-cut dress, which I also bought in white. It showed a little cleavage but not too low to be considered promiscuous. It has a very low cut in the back that showed off some skin. I was saving it for a special occassion. Then I matched it with black stilettos and a black Prada purse. I drove to meet him at the restaurant. He was coming from work.



I brushed my long dry hair, re-applied hair moisturizer and tied it back up in a neat ponytail. I finished tweezing my eyebrows. I put on some foundation then pressed powder. Enhanced the shape of my eyebrows with an eyebrow pencil. Put on some eye shadow and mascarra. I covered up the dark circles and blemishes with a concealer. I put on some gold earrings and necklace. Now where is that white dress? There. For the first time, I wore my white above the knee, pencil-cut dress that showed some cleavage but not too low to be considered promiscous. I matched it with black stilettos and a black Prada purse. I am all set.



I didn't expect him to be so tense that I was getting worried. I aksed him what was wrong. "I need to tell you something", he said nervously. I was thinking that a proposal was coming but something in the way the top of his nose was sweating, and the fact that he kept on looking at his plate instead of me, and the way that he won't let go of his spoon and fork though he wasn't really using it to put food into his mouth were indications that something was not right. I looked around. Everything else seem normal. There were a few couples chatting happily. Jazz music was playing in the background. The lights were dim but not too dark, just plain romantic. The waiter serving us wore a genuine smile. I called the waiter and asked for champagne. He came back and poured champagne in our glasses. He drowned the whole thing in one gulp. I stared at him, "What is it that you needed to tell me?", I aksed worriedly. "I got Claire pregnant.", he blurted out. It was too late to drown my own champagne in one gulp.



There is a knock on my door. I got up to open it. "Are you ready?". It was Claire with her son in her arms.
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Perfect Loaf
JuLiE
When the price of a slice of cheesecake has risen to P100+, Perfect Loaf surprisingly sells theirs at P65. I was craving for almost all their cakes, so I bought a box with different slices (blueberry cheesecake, oreo cheesecake, rum cake, decadent cake, mango sansrival = yummy!). When I was paying for my purchase, the security guard asked me where I was parked and was ready to carry my box. I told him that I was commuting. He then asked what jeep I was taking. When I told him, he hurriedly got out of the shop and hailed a jeep for me. I was quite embarrassed and so I hurriedly walked to the jeep. He then said, "Panayan yu ku ma'am, papayungan da kayu" (Wait for me ma'am, I'm carrying an umbrella for you). Good customer service isn't it? :)



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More Babbling
JuLiE
I haven't done any blunders for quite some time, and now that I did.... well... IT STRESSES ME OUT!!! Really. And because of that I am so not looking forward to work tomorrow.

--oOo--

Speaking of which, we moved to our new office today. I love the free flow of brewed coffee and the fact that you don't have to wash your own mugs. Mugs are provided, which you can just leave at the pantry after use. I still haven't figured out the easiest way to travel there though.

--oOo--

One of my Facebook friends, I believe, had a fight with her husband because she changed her relationship status from married to single. A day or two after that she changed it back to married. I'm thinking that if I were to do the same then my status will be changed everyday or maybe even twice a day. My wall will then be a long list of status changes.

--oOo--

By the way, we made up three days ago.

--oOo--

Ice was so pissed at me last night while we were playing Halo from the Xbox. He is convinced that I'm the worst player ever:

Ice: *Exasperated, trying to be patient tone* Mommy don't go there you will get killed. See. Now you will need to look for health.
Mommy: Where can I ask for help (I even thought it was help)?
Ice: *Super angry tone (it must be, he was SHOUTING)* ARRRGH!!! YOU DON'T ASK FOR HEALTH, YOU LOOK FOR IT!!!
Mommy: Hahahahaha! You are so funny!!!
ICE: ARRRGH!!! I'M NOT FUNNY, I'M ANGRY!!!

--oOo--

I love my new blog template :)

--oOo--

Okay, I'm already talking to myself too much. Enough of this nonsense. Good night! :)
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Entitled
JuLiE
Isn't it time to change the title of my blog?? 


It is currently..


oVeR a gLaSs Of MiLk & cLaSsIcAL mUsIc


whatsos of a professional bum-slash-homesick daughter-slash-beautiful wife-slash-expectant mommy


and it is sooo outdated!
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When I start writing, I just can't stop. When I stop writing, I just can't start.
JuLiE

I just got home from a movie date with my sisters at Downtown East. I reached there at about 9:30PM, bought the tickets then had dinner at Just Acia. We booked the 11:45PM showing of Dear John, which meant that we had more than two hours to eat and chit chat. The free flow of coffee did its job to keep me awake for the late show. 
--oOo--
I'm so blessed to have cool sisters. They are MORE blessed to have ME though. :)
--oOo--
Dear John is sad but not a tear jerker. Channing Tatum is hot! 
--oOo--
The first thing that I wanted to do when we got home was pluck my white hairs. It is so addictive! I'm such a sicko, my sisters told me. I need to dye my hair very soon!
--oOo--
Farah invited us for clubbing but I said I can't come because of the movie date. Then she actually got angry and started bitching at me. She didn't want to share her Mentos, said that she's not gonna invite me for anything and that I'm out of her mailing list. Hahaha! This girl. Mood swings! 
--oOo--
I had coffee with Farah (yes that same Farah) and Fizah before I met my sisters, who were both coming from the city area. Actually I had hot choco for a change. Farah was still in her hater mood. Fizah, on the other hand, was acting schizo as one minute she was all bubbly and happy then the next minute she was so quiet. She doesn't read my blog so it was okay to say that. Haha! Just kidding Fizah! Love them both. :)
--oOo--
Come to think of it, this day was quite eventful. We had a RAC CNY lunch at Imperial Chinese Restaurant (or something that sounds like that). I suspect that Stephen Lai (our boss) frequented the place because he was on first name basis with the waitresses. Or maybe he just read their name plates? Now I'm not quite sure anymore. In any case, we were so full that all I can think of after that was siesta!
--oOo--
I haven't packed my office stuff! We are moving to a new office building next week. The office is really cool. It has an open concept, which I think is very fresh. There are no partitions. The bosses will practically be sitting with everyone else, not in their own offices and not even in cubicles. Okay maybe that's the downside of it. But everything else looks good. There are lounges and ikea-style pantries. The cafeteria looks like a bar, complete with a pool table and computers like in a net cafe. There are shower rooms and prayer rooms. Okay that's about what I've seen so far. The only problem is going there! It is very complicated. I will need to take the bus to Pasir Ris MRT then take the train to Tana Merah, then transfer to another train going to Expo then take the shuttle bus going to the office. I must find an easier way to get there! Soon!!!
--oOo--
And so I told one of my colleagues that the office is very nice. He replied, 'You mean you find it appealling??'. And I was like, 'Um, yeah?? Don't you??'. Then he asked me what is so appealing about it. And I don't know why I even bothered to explain. Then he said, 'I don't find it appealing at all. You see, how often can you use the shower rooms? How often can you eat at the cafeteria? Blah blah blah'. Argh!  Those were not even reasonable reasons. I wonder if people are born haters or has circumstances made them that way.
--oOo--
Or maybe because the older you get, the more you resent change.
--oOo--
I haven't spoken to my husband in two weeks.
--oOo--
I'm so freaking sleepy! Good night. =)

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I am a Mother and I am Beginning to Know
JuLiE


Being a mother is indescribably wonderful. But it is also tough. Seriously. I couldn't even begin to say how sad I feel when Ice ignores me when I get home from work. It is petty I know. Or the time when he sadly told me that one of his classmates said that he's a dirty fellow because he's very messy when he eats. I lay awake worrying that he might not be accepted by his peers. The thought was horrible that I almost cried. Or the times when I miss him so much that I want him near me eventhough he's asleep. Sadly, he doesn't want to sleep beside me (not all the time) because he'd rather sleep with Tita Lolit (his nanny). He'd say that Tita Lolit wants to sleep beside him too. This hurts so much that it leaves a hole in my heart every time. It was terrible when his teacher told me that he doesn't play with the boys and only plays puzzles by himself or with quiet girls. I was worried that the other boys might have been bullying him. He improved as school went on. But still, it was a dreadful thought.

Though I have only been a mother for four years, I am beginning to know that being a mother is tough. When Tita Lolit's daughter came to visit, Ice was very excited. He has been talking about her arrival for days. When she finally arrived, he started to ignore me. I asked him to have his dinner before he play, then he scornfully replied 'I don't care about you', then kept on playing. I got up angrily and went to my room. A few moments later he went inside my room to use my toilet, I shouted at him, 'Get out of my room, I don't like you!'. Then he burst into tears and went back to his room. Ronald asked him to say sorry to me and so he went inside my room crying and said sorry. I ignored him and closed the door on him. Yeah, I know, that was very mean. But I was so hurt when he told me off. I couldn't sleep that night and was very sad for a few days. I said sorry to him a couple of days after that by the way.

Four years. It has only been four years. I couldn't begin to think how it would be like when Ice will have his own friends and wouldn't want anything to do with me anymore. When I would need to beg for his time and attention. What about his first heart break? Will my heart break too? Will I want to slap the girl, drag her on the floor, tie her to a tree and feed her to an army of ants? I remember when I was in College. I was super hectic. I'd normally be home at about 2-3AM almost everyday. And everytime my dad would be there waiting. He'd cook me supper then chat with me while I eat. I now know that it was because he misses me. He'd give anything just to spend time with me eventhough it meant that he needed to wait. 

Four years and I am beginning to know. That a mother's capacity to love and to suffer is limitless. Because a mother's emotions are not her only emotions. Whatever a child feels is also felt by the mother, magnified a hundredfold. 
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When Kids Talk, You Listen Part III
JuLiE


At four, Ice is more articulate than a lot of people I know. His grammar and sentence construction are commendable. He thinks and reacts very fast... Yah, whatever, I'm the mother so I can say anything good about my kid, haha!

But really, it seems like I'll never run out of these...





On Halloween Day, we planned to go to Escape for the Halloween party but then it rained so hard the whole day:

Mommy: Let's pray for the rain to stop so we can go.
(And so we prayed. After a while the rain stopped)
Mommy: See, the rain stopped, we can go now. :)
Ice: The rain stopped? Because of me?? The rain stopped because of me??? That means I saved the whole world!!!
Ice goes to Daddy: Daddy the rain stopped because of me. :)
Ice goes to Tita Lolit: Tita Lolit the rain stopped because of me. :)

And so when the rain stopped, I changed him into his cowboy costume:

Mommy: You are so cute!
Ice: I'm not cute!!! *angry face*
Mommy: Why? But you are cute!
Ice: I'm handsome! Cowboys are not cute, they're handsome!

28/11/2009 - Onac was having his hair cut at the barber shop while Ice sat at the waiting area. He was so pissed when an auntie sat beside him that he showed his angry face. He tried his best to sit as far from the auntie  (maybe around 6 inches away) and as closer to the wall as possible. The following day:

Mommy: Why don't you like sitting beside aunties?
Ice: Because they're not beautiful enough...

In November 2009

Mommy: I hope I win the toto!
Ice: Mommy, what's the toto? It's just like Tito Totoy.
(Tito = Uncle, Totoy- Tita Lolit's (Ice's sitter) husband)

05/12/09 - After we collected the SCB Marathon race entry pack at Expo:

Ice: Mommy, is toto the big race?
(He suddenly thought that I was hoping for us to win the marathon)

6/12/09 - After Ice finished the Kid's Dash at the SCB Marathon:

Ice: Mommy I won the race! Everyone was cheering for me! Even the guy on top (the host at the stage I suppose). He said, 'That boy, that's me (side comment), is so fast! He's even faster than his daddy!'

07/12/09 - After the marathon, I took a one day leave and met up with Foon (colleague) and Brayden (her son) for swimming at the Chinese Swimming Club

Foon: Hi Ice, how old are you?
Ice: I'm four years old but I'm just like six years old.

That same day, Ice and I went inside the girls' toilet to change him to his wet suit:

Ice: (in a whsper) Mommy... I think we better hurry... before they know that I have a birdie.

Sometime in October 2009 - Ice and Tita Lolit were at the lift at Lucky Plaza and an auntie greeted Ice:

Auntie: Hello little boy.
Ice: I'm not a little boy! I'm four years old, I'm a big boy!

29/11/2009 - During dinner at Expo, Ice was telling May (colleague) that he wants a baby sister:

Mommy: How can we make a baby sister?
Ice: When you eat a lot of food the food will turn into a sister.

That same night, May asked him if he already has a girlfriend:

Ice whispered to me: Xiya is not my girlfriend anymore.
Mommy: Why?
Ice: Because she removed a sticker from my water bottle.
Mommy to May: He said Xiya is not his girlfriend anymore...
Ice: Don't tell her!!!

28/12/2009 - My in-laws, Ronald, Ice and I went to Jurong West for swimming. When it was already time to go, everyone else left for the shower room to take a bath except for Ice and Ronald.

Ice: *looked around then started crying* Where's my family?!?!

That same night, I was coughing so bad...

Ice: Mommy, are you dying?

In January 2010 - Ice and I were at Pepay's house for her farewell party when Ice saw the boys smoking:

Ice: Aha! You are smoking! That's bad! My daddy smokes too.
Pepay: Didn't you tell your daddy that smoking is bad?
Ice: Yes. But well, he never listens.

In January 2010 - Ronald, Ice and I were at Rejoice and Mike's place. Ronald and Ice were playing with Mike's PS3 game.

Ronald: Ice kill that bad guy!
Ice: Daddy that is not the bad guy!
Ronald: How did you know?
Ice: Because look, he's carrying a guitar and not a sword!

In January 2010 - While I was putting Ice to sleep.

Mommy: Good night my angel.
Ice: But mommy, angels don't sleep...

In January 2010 - During Rhea and Jojo's wedding, Ulrich, his cousin, didn't want to wear his barong.

Ronald: If you don't wear this you won't be handsome like me!

In January 2010 - Ice sings:

Ice: 'Cannot buy cannot buy tantantantan pull the break' (Poker Face) and 'You're my single way you're my single way' (Single Ladies).

In February 2010 - I was having a terrible headache and so I asked Ice to massage my head. While massaging my head he prayed:

Ice: In the name of the Father, of the Son, of the Holy Spirit... God, please take away my mommy's head......... ache.

In  February 2010 - Ice was taking a bath inside our toilet when I went to his room to get his clothes:

Ice: Mommy come back here, I'm scared of ghosts!
Mommy: There are no ghosts!
Ice: But mommy, I have a third eye, I can see ghosts!
Mommy: (thinking to herself) Did he just say third eye??

In February 2010 - Onac was hugging Ice:

Daddy: You are my pillow!
Ice: You are my bed! (because Onac is bigger and softer than him)

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I Wanna Go Home
JuLiE




I love long conversations with my dad. We'd talk about anything and everything until the wee hours of the morning. It is usually over food, because obviously, I love eating and he, on the other hand loves cooking. He never runs out of things to say or stories to tell. He IS very talkative!

Conversations with my dad are very enriching. It may be in the form of new knowledge or information. He knows the answer to almost anything. Seriously. Or it may be the comfort words I want to hear when I'm down. It may be a drop (or sometimes loads!) of wisdom when I am lost or is clueless on know how to handle situations. Or it may be in the form of reminders or caution when I'm not doing the right thing. In any way, conversations with him are never a waste of time. He has a very good, sarcastic sense of humor, so there are times when we'd just laugh our hearts out. He is a food for my brain and my soul.




One afternoon, we were talking about my grandmother who already passed away around 8 years ago. He was telling me about how kind-hearted and generous she was although not everybody saw that in her. Then he started tearing and said that he misses her. The tears turned into sobs and before I knew it, he was already weeping. He was weeping because he misses his mother so much. I just sat there and did absolutely nothing. I didn't know what to say or what to do to make him feel better. I felt his grief and I'd do anything to share it. To make it less painful for him. But I can't. I don't know how. It has always been him who comforts us, who knows all the right things to say in any given situation. 

I am scared. I don't want that to ever happen to me. I don't know if I'll ever be able to live through it. Worse is, I don't want to later on regret that I haven't spent as much time with him as I can. Now. Now that he's still here. 

I wanna go home.


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