Being a mother is indescribably wonderful. But it is also tough. Seriously. I couldn't even begin to say how sad I feel when Ice ignores me when I get home from work. It is petty I know. Or the time when he sadly told me that one of his classmates said that he's a dirty fellow because he's very messy when he eats. I lay awake worrying that he might not be accepted by his peers. The thought was horrible that I almost cried. Or the times when I miss him so much that I want him near me eventhough he's asleep. Sadly, he doesn't want to sleep beside me (not all the time) because he'd rather sleep with Tita Lolit (his nanny). He'd say that Tita Lolit wants to sleep beside him too. This hurts so much that it leaves a hole in my heart every time. It was terrible when his teacher told me that he doesn't play with the boys and only plays puzzles by himself or with quiet girls. I was worried that the other boys might have been bullying him. He improved as school went on. But still, it was a dreadful thought.
Though I have only been a mother for four years, I am beginning to know that being a mother is tough. When Tita Lolit's daughter came to visit, Ice was very excited. He has been talking about her arrival for days. When she finally arrived, he started to ignore me. I asked him to have his dinner before he play, then he scornfully replied 'I don't care about you', then kept on playing. I got up angrily and went to my room. A few moments later he went inside my room to use my toilet, I shouted at him, 'Get out of my room, I don't like you!'. Then he burst into tears and went back to his room. Ronald asked him to say sorry to me and so he went inside my room crying and said sorry. I ignored him and closed the door on him. Yeah, I know, that was very mean. But I was so hurt when he told me off. I couldn't sleep that night and was very sad for a few days. I said sorry to him a couple of days after that by the way.
Four years. It has only been four years. I couldn't begin to think how it would be like when Ice will have his own friends and wouldn't want anything to do with me anymore. When I would need to beg for his time and attention. What about his first heart break? Will my heart break too? Will I want to slap the girl, drag her on the floor, tie her to a tree and feed her to an army of ants? I remember when I was in College. I was super hectic. I'd normally be home at about 2-3AM almost everyday. And everytime my dad would be there waiting. He'd cook me supper then chat with me while I eat. I now know that it was because he misses me. He'd give anything just to spend time with me eventhough it meant that he needed to wait.
Four years and I am beginning to know. That a mother's capacity to love and to suffer is limitless. Because a mother's emotions are not her only emotions. Whatever a child feels is also felt by the mother, magnified a hundredfold.
naiyak naman ako dito julie. what's important is you're doing your best to be the best mother to ice. just show him you love him :)
seryoso naiyak ka? hehe :)