Showing posts with label Let's talk about Realizations. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Let's talk about Realizations. Show all posts
JuLiE
I called up my sister to check out on her. She was apparently on her way to her friend's funeral service. Yes a funeral. Her friend died in a tragic car accident. Too soon. Much too soon for anyone who loves her to bear.

The news came as a shock to my sister. We even knew about it before she did because her phone was dead when her friends were trying to contact her. She heard about it after six hours. Guess from where. Yes, from the ever reliable source of whatever news or chismis or new vocabulary (major major) and whatsos. Facebook.

She said that only after being in a state of shock for 5 hours then she started to cry.

And so I called her up last night to see how she was. Her voice sounded like she has been crying. She told me how tears would just start to fall when she remembers her. And how her voice is so vivid in her mind it's as if she was just there beside her. She still can't believe that she will never see her again, will never be with her again. She hated when people tell her that it's gonna be okay because it's not okay. And that only them who are mourning for Melody can truly understand the pain they are going through.

I felt very sad for my sister but I know that mourning is a part of the process. The process of letting go. But who am I to know? I have never really lost anyone very dear to me and it truly scares me to even think about it.

Life is short. Let's hug our loved ones today. Before we are forced to let go.

(posted in FB on Aug 26, 2010)
JuLiE
When i was still back home, my dad would usually wait up on me (or any of my siblings) everytime I (or we) come home late. His first question would be 'Are you hungry?'. I always am hungry so obviously my answer would be a yes. In just a few minutes he'd then be able to cook something with whatever he has in his kitchen. He'd then stay with me just so I won't be alone while I eat. So while the city sleeps, we'd be up eating and chatting for hours about anything under the moon.

I miss that. :)

But come to think of it, I should be blaming my dad for my huge appetite and unreasonable hunger pangs!

(posted in FB on Jul 7, 2010)
JuLiE




I love long conversations with my dad. We'd talk about anything and everything until the wee hours of the morning. It is usually over food, because obviously, I love eating and he, on the other hand loves cooking. He never runs out of things to say or stories to tell. He IS very talkative!

Conversations with my dad are very enriching. It may be in the form of new knowledge or information. He knows the answer to almost anything. Seriously. Or it may be the comfort words I want to hear when I'm down. It may be a drop (or sometimes loads!) of wisdom when I am lost or is clueless on know how to handle situations. Or it may be in the form of reminders or caution when I'm not doing the right thing. In any way, conversations with him are never a waste of time. He has a very good, sarcastic sense of humor, so there are times when we'd just laugh our hearts out. He is a food for my brain and my soul.




One afternoon, we were talking about my grandmother who already passed away around 8 years ago. He was telling me about how kind-hearted and generous she was although not everybody saw that in her. Then he started tearing and said that he misses her. The tears turned into sobs and before I knew it, he was already weeping. He was weeping because he misses his mother so much. I just sat there and did absolutely nothing. I didn't know what to say or what to do to make him feel better. I felt his grief and I'd do anything to share it. To make it less painful for him. But I can't. I don't know how. It has always been him who comforts us, who knows all the right things to say in any given situation. 

I am scared. I don't want that to ever happen to me. I don't know if I'll ever be able to live through it. Worse is, I don't want to later on regret that I haven't spent as much time with him as I can. Now. Now that he's still here. 

I wanna go home.


JuLiE
APOLINAR GONZALES






I can still remember my first job interview. I was fresh out of college and was way too eager to earn a living. He was the department head, the company's Vice President for Collections and Remedial Management. He had a nice smile but had a very hoarse and raspy voice. I later found out that he had a throat infection that has affected his vocal chords. Anyway, the interview went quite well. He asked me about financial statements and, thanks to my terror prof in College, I was able to answer accurately. There were some opinion-based questions that I answered lamely but I think I was able to redeem myself in the end. And so I was hired.



Everyone called him Boss Poly. He was very cheerful and approachable. He loved to joke around, but when it comes to work, he was serious indeed. He was the first manager who believed in me (he IS my first manager). He commended me for being 'articulate', which I never really saw in myself. And I appreciate that he has empowered me by assigning me tasks that are outside my job scope, like handling training and presentations. I looked up to him as a mentor but I also treated him as a friend. I shared personal and family issues with him, which I don't just to anyone. He was a good listener and adviser.



Then I have decided to move to Singapore with Ronald. I gave him a touching resignation letter and he gave me his friend's contact details in Singapore. He might be of help in my job hunt he said.



After two years I found out that he was gone. He suffered from cancer that I never knew he had. It was very shocking for a good man with a wonderful family to leave that early. I was not there in the burial. In fact, in the years that I spent in Singapore, I rarely kept in touch. I found an email that I thought I sent him before but it turned out that it was still in my drafts folder. I visited the office twice but we were not able to chat that long. And that time I told myself that in my next visit I have to give him something special. He appreciated simple things like ballpens, keychains or whatever souvenir or memorabilia. But I never had the chance. And I never will.



FRANCIS EVAN DOLORES



When I was new, the department was brusque-looking, heavily-built male dominated. Amidst that, he was a soft and quiet guy who just came in a few months before me. As I got to know him, I found out that he was sensitive as well. He came from a broken home but was very close to his siblings. He was responsible and quite stingy as he would save up for stuff like his bicycle or his dog. Our department seminar at Baguio was his first visit to the place and he took lots of pictures. He was addicted to photos even when digital cameras were not yet the trend. He was also addicted to basketball, singing and his guitar.



We travelled together in Cebu (work-related) and I remember his good-natured complaints about me being hungry all the time and how long it took me to get ready. On one of our night outs with our Cebuano colleagues, he seriously sung his heart out. We were not really close but when I was already here in Singapore, we'll have a chat whenever we see each other online.



Next thing I knew, he was already a husband and a father. He moved to the Regional Office in Nueva Ecija (I think), which is his wife's hometown. I saw his pictures on Friendster and he looked like a happy dad.



He died in December 2008, just a few months ago. Tin, an ex-colleague, told me and I thought she was playing a prank. It just wasn't possible, he was only a year or two older than me and he just started a family. He was shot on the head by some guys who watched him since morning. His face was unrecognizable they said. Very tragic.



PROF REYNALDO REINOSO



I was a freshman in UP then and as we know, UP is infamous for its weird students, weird professors, weird everything and all in the guise of "academic freedom" . This history professor was one of the living testament to it. He was bias against 'fair-skinned' and/or Chinese students. And though I look very tan now, I was much fairer at that time plus my surname says that I am Chinese. So the math says that I was one of his 'favorites'.



He would usually call me in recitations or just mention my name whenever he talks about China or Chinese. Take note, he calls me 'Julie Ann', not 'Julie' or 'Ms. Cheng', or just 'Cheng' but 'Julie Ann'. He would say that the Chinese have invented the gun powder but instead of making weapons to enforce power, they made lots and lots of firecrackers. And when he says 'they' as in the Chinese, he would say 'ang mga kamag-anak ni Julie Ann' ('the relatives of Julie Ann'). He wasn't really insulting, rather I found him quite amusing or maybe annoying at the worst. Anyway, he barely let me pass his subject though I really, honestly believe that I should have had a higher mark.



In 2007, he died of cancer.



JEMALYN LACADIN



I was an active political student leader when I was in UP. I was convinced of the chronic crisis and the rotten system and that something has to be done. We brought most of our battles to the streets and even to the Congress. But some of us chose a higher level of struggle, with arms instead of placards.



She was the paper's editor-in-chief. She was soft-spoken but her words are of value and substance. She was one year my junior but I learned a lot from her. We used to spend days and nights organizing activities and engaging in educational discussions. And though it was a very tiring and stressful environment, it was satisfying as well, and honestly, a lot of fun.



Then she decided to commit herself to the people's war, through armed struggle. I haven't seen her ever since but I heard that she was still 'fine' and that she was leaving a mark as a political officer among her ranks.



She died in an encounter in 2008. Her face was unrecognizable they said. I couldn't help but feel abashed because as she has risked her life for the ideals that we both believed in, I am now living a rather apathetic life.





LIFE IS SHORT. TOUCH AS MANY LIVES AS POSSIBLE. DO WHAT YOU BELIEVE IN. FULFILL YOUR DREAMS. LIVE IT TO THE FULLEST.


JuLiE

If anyone knows me most, it would be my family. That is why when I last saw my dad after almost two years, I believe him when he said that I have changed a lot. He said that I have been succumbing to the pressures of life that I started loosing myself. He noticed that I was no longer the confident, headstrong and decisive woman that I used to be. And that I was better off when I was 19 than now that I'm 26.

I know deep down inside that he is right. I indeed lost myself. My craving for excellence was erased by conceding to mediocrity. I am unsure of everything now. And for a control freak like me, everything that I have no power over stresses me out. That equates to me being very stressed now.

I am in a low-down when I confided to a friend what I am going through. Then I realized that I shouldn't be feeling bad about myself at all. More than anything, I know that I have everything I could ever ask for (i.e. Ronald, Ice, a so-far-stable job). I may be struggling but I think I am doing a fairly good job. Aside from that, I realized that I am indeed lucky to have found a true friend who keeps me sane and lifts my spirits when I'm down.

Anyway, for those who might be in the same boat as I am, I just want to share what my friend had to say:

..."I've been thinking a lot about what you told me and I wish there was something I could say to you that would make everything seem right. The truth is, I haven't known you as long as your Dad and your friends back home and I wouldn't presume to know you any better. What I do know is this, you can never be the same person you were at nineteen. Those were probably the best years of your life and some of the most care free. Please don't get me wrong, I know school can be tough but you never had to worry too much about some of life's greatest hurdles, managing a home, raising a son and keeping your partner from going insane with his fair share of problems. A mother's job is 24/7 and if that doesn't take up all of your time, a husband and the home will...

...I've worked with you from day one and I've seen you take on your fair share and more. I watched you grow from strength to strength in the department and I've seen what you're capable of. You haven't been home in quite a while and it's understandable that some people may see a difference in you, but it wouldn't be a just call until they've seen you at work, until they've experienced first hand the rat race lifestyle that is Singapore. You still embody those traits that your Dad speaks of. It's just not as obvious for you, but you're making a mark in the RAC and that takes more than you think...

...You have to remember something, motherhood changes a woman. She becomes a little softer, she has to, raising a child makes it necessary or the bond will never grow. She learns compassion and empathy, she needs to or she will never see through her childs eyes. She learns to love, she must, or she will never fulfill the needs of her husband and her child. The changes you've gone thru don't make you a weaker person, the changes and decisions you've made only serve to make you stronger. You will be decisive and headstrong when you need to be, just not all the time. You're only 26 darling, your time to make your mark will come and I know you'll be ready for it when it does. Your Dad has to realize that the headstrong nineteen year old Girl with nothing ahead of her but her ambitions and the world, is now a Mother and a Wife, a Woman with a career and a home, a Woman who's managing to keep it all together in a foreign country...

...Trust your instincts. Listen to what your family & close friends have to say but don't be too critical on yourself for what they think. I know you as well as I possibly could in what little time we've had. You're soo much more than what you're giving yourself credit for. You're soo much more than what your Dad said you are. Cheer up!"...

And all I can say was 'thanks'. =)





JuLiE
I remember an article written by Bo Sanchez entitled "Feel your feelings and then let go". He says that negative emotions are windows of our soul, which teach us about who we are and what we need from God (he's some sort of a religious writer). He says that the only way to get rid of a negative emotion is to recognize it, feel it, and then let it go. We should not try to repress it , or cover it up, or hide away from it. Because how can you let go of something you have not held, he says. Makes sense huh?

The article had an impact on me the time I read it. (Heck, I even wrote an excerpt in my journal!) See, I think I am guilty of repressing negative emotions (anger, guilt, self-pity, sadness..) because I always choose not to be affected to spare myself off the suffering. I thought that a feeling is a choice. It's just a matter of perspective. However, I realize that a negative emotion can not be repressed or denied. It comes back or comes out in other forms we may not be aware of.

In the latter part of the article, Bo says that you should allow yourself to feel the pain. Accompany it. Breath into it. Don't judge or critize. Just feel it. And after a while you'll feel the anger or pain or sadness loose its urgency and power.

Guess what, I am getting good at that right now!

JuLiE
I am really starting to hate my sister. She has been a very different person since she started going out with her, umm.. "boyfriend". She fails her subjects (I'm not sure if she attends it in the first place), doesn't go home for days (and looks sad and restless when she finally gets home), lies and makes up stories most of the time (and expects us to believe), and God knows what else she does to destroy herself!

I believe in the fluidity of gender and the need to liberate homosexuals from a conventional, oppressive and discriminating society. However, learning that your own sister has become one of them can be rather shocking, believe me. But I know that despite my not-so-positive reaction to her new relationship, I will be able to accept the fact that my sister has taken steps towards her own liberation. After the shock has worn off.

But not anymore. Not after seeing what that fucking relationship has done to her. Not after the pain she causes my ever loving, understanding, and forgiving dad. She might be feeling misunderstood or alone or whatever. But she doesn't even give an effort to be understood. Instead she continues to distance herself from us.

I still have nothing against same sex relationship in general. But I have everything against 'this' particular relationship.

Anyway, the latest news is she hasn't returned home for almost two months now. My dad does everything to contact and look for her. But you cannot find someone who refuses to be found. The pain she causes my dad is practically killing him. He couldn't eat nor sleep because of so much worry. I urged him to stop looking for her and assured him that she would soon find her way back. Give her space, it might be just a phase of some sort. Otherwise, she wouldn't learn her lessons. Lalo lang magmamatigas yan dahil alam nya na hinahabol-habol siya... But my dad would not listen. Again, in an effort to reach my sister, he went to UP last Saturday (he learned that she was taking summer classes) and finally saw her. He literally begged her to come home. She promised to come home the next day. But as expected, it was an empty promise. I hate to say "I told you so"...

It pains me so much to know how much my dad is suffering by what is happening with my sister (and to think that this is just a part of our dozens of other problems). If only I'm with him in the Philippines, I would have already shaken him up to make him realize that he can choose not to suffer. That he doesn't have to be miserable and he has to move on, wait and have faith that everything will be alright. But of course he would just answer me (like he always did) that "..a parent doesn't give up on his child. When you become a mother you'll know".

That is exactly why I love my dad so much. Because no matter how much we fail, we are assured that we still have someone to run to. He guides us to what is right but never condemns us when we do wrong. Instead, he would understand and give us more love and support. Yes, he doesn't give up on us. He never did.

When I become a mother, I'll know.. But will I? Will I be as understanding and loving and forgiving? I have yet to find out...

In the meantime, I think I'm still on the verge of hating my sister... for the pain she causes my dad.
JuLiE
I don't believe in long term relationships.. or so I thought.

Blame it partly to the fact that I have been raised in a broken home that I used to believe that even the best of relationships don't usually last. I mean, it's nothing but normal to see break-ups, divorces, and infidelities happen in what used to be a 'perfect relationship'? You may think that I'm a pessimist, thanks, but I'd rather be thought off as a realist. It is realistic to believe that people tend to change.. in their thoughts and emotions. One day you could be genuinely happy being in the relationship, and the next thing you realize is it's suicide to stay further in that relationship. That's just the way it is. The best thing to do is move on. That's life.

Blame it partly to the fact that I have been raised in a broken home that I have subconsciously (or consciously, I'm not quite sure) built my defenses around me. That to be able to face my fear of pain and rejection, I chose to believe that relationships don't usually last. This prompted me to distance myself (to certain degrees) from people. Don't get me wrong, I assure you that my social skills are on an acceptable level. It's just that I tend not to give away myself too much (if at all).

But should it be that way?

When I was faced the dilemma of getting or not getting married, I confided to my dad that I was down-to-my-gutt scared. He only asked me one thing: do you love him? I answered yes. He said that that is reason enough. But it didn't change anything.. I was still scared! He assured me that there is really nothing to be scared of. All I have to do is hope for the best and expect the worst (cliche). Expect the worst by being a good and loving wife. Give and don't expect anything in return. Have faith in life he said.

That's when it hit me.

I still believe that relatonships have a tendency not to last and people still have a tendency to change. But whatever happens is whithin our control. We have the choice whether to keep a relationship stronger or let it fall into pieces right before our eyes. You don't expect the worst by preparing yourself for the pain that comes with it but by preventing it to happen (expect the worst by being a good and loving wife). And you don't face your fear of pain and rejection by building your defenses, thus, sacrificing happiness and fulfillment.

I didn't believe in long term relationships but people tend to change.. in their thoughts and emotions. And I think I have changed.